Pain Changes Everything

Anger and agony

Are better than misery

Trust me I've got a plan

When the lights go off you will understand

Pain, without love

Pain, I can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

~3 Days Grace

    

Pain changes everything. I am talking about chronic physical pain, but it colors every aspect of your life. Physical, mental, spiritual, it affects all of you. It changes the very chemistry of your brain. How can you bear up under the constant nagging pain that never really leaves your body? Even in moments of great joy, ecstasy even, it waits in the background, baring its teeth.

I have a large group of friends, via social networking, who share the difficulties of living with pain on a daily basis. It limits their mobility, some to the point that they rarely leave their homes. I have met a couple of them, and I have a couple more that I know right here in town with me.  We have anxieties over pain levels, and sometimes we are afraid that we cannot bear the load of living, on top of coping. Coping is not really living. It is like the commercial for migraine relief, that talks about living a maybe life, and that is exactly what it becomes. Maybe I’ll join you for lunch or meet you for a drink next week. It depends upon how I feel when I wake up that day. Some of us even look quite well, and others do not understand how someone can not look sick at all, yet be unable to retain a “normal” life. This frustrates us even more, because we know that you don’t understand, and there are never adequate words to describe what it feels like with parts of your life gone forever. I used to love to waterski. I used to enjoy motorcycle riding and nice long hikes. I used to…

Sometimes I don’t even like the person that I have become. I don’t complain all the time, because I know that people get tired of hearing it, but sometimes, my focus narrows to the point that all I can feel, all I can see, is that fucking pain that will not leave me alone! So we hibernate. We withdraw into our own little worlds, curl up in a fetal position and wait for the pain to level off, so that we can at least cope with it. My coping skills are actually pretty good for someone who has dealt with pain every day for 11 years. It was bad enough at times that I would fantasize how to make it go away forever. It calmed me tremendously to know that I always had that choice to say I can’t handle it anymore, I’m outta here! I’m not suicidal by nature. I know that it would be the last of the last resorts, and I have spoken with several counselors over the years about this technique. It actually has some mental health benefits, but thankfully I have not needed it for a number of years.

For the most part, I have lived with it long enough to build a life in spite of it. I have my family to sustain me. When they are not around, my animals give me a reason to get out of bed. There are feelings, moods, activities that I miss so much that it creates pain on top of pain. I try not to dwell on it. I am able to put all that out of reach when I am working. It is not about me then, and the focus shifts to the client. That is one of the coping skills, to busy at least the mind on someone else’s issues. There a many different coping skills, none of which work all the time.

I would be very interested to hear about how other people cope with the fear, the anger, disappointments, frustrations and physical aspects of pain. Please weigh in if you feel so inclined. I’m sure this is not my last blog about pain. Sometimes it is all I can think about. The eyes always tells out the soul.