If you knew what I'd been through,
You'd know why I ask you:
Have you ever been lonely?
Have you ever been blue?
~Billy Hill
Lonely is the night when you find yourself alone
Your demons come to light and your mind is not your own
Lonely is the night when there's no one left to call
You feel the time is right--(say) the writin's on the wall
~Billy Squier
Hear the lonesome whiperwill
He sounds too blue to fly
The midnight train is whining low
I'm so lonesome I could cry
~Hank Williams
Only the lonely
Know the heartaches Ive been through
Only the lonely
Know I cried and cried for you
~Roy Orbison
How many songs have been written about being lonely? I probably could have spent a week digging them up, but the truth is that it comes up as a song, poem, play or movie so regularly, because it is such a common human condition.
Recently my husband and I went to see the movie, Hope Springs. In the film, Meryl Streep's character admits to her therapist that being in the house with someone you cannot connect with, is a worse kind of lonely than being completely alone. Raise your hand if you know exactly what she means!
This type of loneliness is about anger and resentment. It can build to a point of extreme unhappiness, and couples may talk around it all the time, but let anger manifest itself disguised as another topic altogether. In other words, saying "I hate the way you buy me household appliances as gifts for me" may actually translate as "I wish you would touch me and actually see me standing here lonely, than ply me with gifts to bring me comfort." It just doesn't do the same thing. Women can be equally unavailable for intimacy, and this creates a fireball of shared anger that can consume a relationship with no shots fired. A bloodless coup that neither side totally understands.
Communication is key, and is also difficult if you have not allowed those lines to remain open. Whichever partner starts the no intimacy wars, the other will usually eventually retaliate, and it spreads like cancer through all aspects of the relationship. Now I hate the way you eat your food, I resent your underwear in my bathroom floor, and I'm checking your cellphone and Facebook history, because if I am not getting any, who is?
Of course not all loneliness is about sexual vs non-sexual relationships. Someone can belong to a church, club or other organization that they can't really crack into, or a work situation where you feel invisible, even though you do your part for the team. You most certainly can be lonely in a room full of people. Is it your fault? I'm a fan of taking responsibility for your part in it. Have you really tried, been friendly to everyone, made yourself accessible? You project the negative vibes you are feeling, and it makes a cyclical problem, that will lead to a break down in the environment. As you can be too involved in work, you can also be too unengaged. Your shyness can be read as snobbery. Again, these are mostly communication, or lack of it's, fallout and away from the camaraderie situation that you had hoped for. You have to look at situations as where you are, how you got there, and does it lead where you want or need it to be?
As for the loneliness that comes after a separation, through divorce or death, that is one that can take plenty of time to heal. You will know when it is time to move on, if you are caring for yourself, and listening to your whole body. If you cannot get past that point without help, there are many qualified counselors and ministers, and have a medical doctor rule out organic causes of depression.
Reach out when you have those deep feelings of loneliness and isolation. Even if you begin by venting your feelings with a pet, start talking and allowing others access to you, in whatever increments keep you comfortable. Man is not an island, not ideally anyway.
